They say motherhood changes a person. Well how could it not. Every day you put the needs of someone else above your own and have to make decisions that often have enormous impact on the life of another person. You start watching your own behavior closely in hopes of becoming a positive influence & when nasty behaviors creep out and are reflected in your child it makes you feel that much more rotten about what you have done. (Example: I am afraid of bees. My instinct, however dangerous and unnecessary, is to flail about and run in fear. Paul has seen this and now reacts in a similar fashion. When I see this I think, "Oops.")
Last night I went to a local concert and was thinking to myself, if motherhood changes you into this new person, what happens to the one you were before? Is she still in there, popping out at moments when you are away from your child and engaging in a pre-motherhood activity (such as rocking it out at a concert)? Or do we shed her like a snake's skin and leave her behind while we embrace larger, more important roles? Why do some moms feel guilty about enjoying things for themselves? It is society that dictates this or our own inner fears? I think it is important that Paul sees me not only as his mom, but as a person with passion for doing things that bring me joy. Hopefully that will cancel out the bee fear and the fact that he says "You serious?" in a disgruntled voice when we come across a bad driver (hey, it could be worse)!!